July 4th

Posted by on Jul 4, 2014 in Dear Phoenix | 4 Comments

Dear Phoenix,

It has only been 6 weeks since you passed. The weeks have seemed to fly by. Yet, at the same time it feels like everything has stopped. I know it hasn’t. All I have to do is look outside or online, and see that the world keeps going. I can look down at my swollen stomach and see it growing. You used to come up to me and put your chubby little hands on my tummy, I would tell you that your brother is in there. You would just stare at it, than look at me and smile. Did you understand me? Or was it just funny that my belly was getting bigger?

Today is July 4th. While you wouldn’t of cared about it for a couple of years, you would of come to like it. There are barbeques with friends with all sorts of good food, swimming and sparklers. And, there is something so unique about sitting in a park with a bunch of strangers watching a firework show. They are so loud you can feel the vibrations throughout your body. Before the show, you just sit with family and friends and be together. Yes, it is so hot that you feel like you are melting. Yes, the bathroom is usually a 5 minute walk away. Yes, traffic is a pain afterwords. But, you know what? You do it again every year, because it is fun!

Mommy really wishes you were with her. More than you could even know. I want to be selfish. I know that you are in heaven, and you are happier than than the happiest person on earth. But, I want you here with me, in my arms. I want to kiss you all over. I want to hold you and read to you or let you look out the window. I wanted to teach you how to hold sparklers. I wanted to take you to see fireworks. Part of what is hard about loosing you is also loosing the dreams of showing you everything.

I love you baby girl. I can’t wait to see you again.



  1. Becky S
    July 4, 2014

    This brought tears to my eyes. No patent should have to outlive their child. I again am so sorry for your loss.

  2. Amy
    July 4, 2014

    Yeah. That.

  3. Julie
    July 5, 2014

    Love and prayers, Beth. My heart still breaks for you. I know your baby girl is so close to you and your great love for her makes her smile. Her short journey on this earth and into your heart has increased your capacity to love, what a great gift she has left to you, your husband and all her future siblings! Your pain will ease when you hold another child in your arms and when he is old enough to listen to stories about his special sister!

  4. Rachel Mayo
    July 6, 2014

    I love reading your blog but they make me cry sometimes. I look forward to your next blog. I love you Beth and Luke you two are some of the strongest people I know!


Leave a Reply