One thing all moms have in common is ‘mom guilt’ in some form. But, for mothers who have lost children we have a unique outlook on things. Sometimes, we get judgy and think other mothers should enjoy every moment with their children – because you never know which snuggle, kiss, story, giggle, meal, bedtime will be your last. Let’s be honest though, sometimes by the end of the day you are done. You rush bedtime, skip a book or a song turn off the light, shut the door for some much needed rest. Sure it’s normal to feel a little bad about that, we are human and sometimes we reach our max way before bedtime. For me though, when I rush bedtime I can’t help think, ‘what if?’ What if that was my last bedtime with him? What if that’s the last time I kiss his warm cheeks? Of course I have these thoughts every night, but on nights were bedtime is rushed those thoughts are intensified.
I wish I could give some words of wisdom about how to let those fears and thoughts go but I don’t. From the best that I can tell (through reading other blogs and talking with other parents) it never really goes away. “It changes” is the best advise I get. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense unless you have been through it. It does change. I don’t check on Little Brother multiple times a night. I can leave him in a different room now without panicking. I sometimes forget to turn his monitor on at nap time (gasp!). It still kills though, when I have a night where I am counting down to bedtime, and after I shut that door I immediately regret my actions.
I wish I could end this post on a happier note. But I am not happy and neither is this post.