The other morning I ugly cried. I rocked Phoenix’s urn and screamed. All while Little Brother watched on. It was in that moment I felt so divided. I wanted to hole up under the covers and cry, but I couldn’t. My life is truly divided. Begrudgingly, I set Phoenix’s urn down and changed Little Brother’s diaper. I tried taking him to the park, but there was another little child, whose name was Phoenix, was there. I couldn’t stay.
I have been attending Compassionate Freinds meetings regularly now. I find them extremely helpful. Not only can I go and talk about Phoenix so completely freely, but I learn so much as well. For example, my memory loss. My memory has been shot ever since Phoenix was born and it has only gotten worse since she died. This, apparently, is common with many bereaved parents. Also, a parent is considered newly bereaved for the first 5 years. 5 years people!
Mother’s day will begin in less than 1 hour. But I don’t need one day to remind me that I am missing a child. I am a mother without one of her children in her arms. But, the day does bring about an extra amount of sadness. I won’t receive some adorably cheesy gift from my oldest. There will be one less kiss received. One more tear shed. But, still so much love.