Yep, that about sums up how I feel. Numb. Numb to the world. Numb to emotion. Numb. There are days that I just want to break down and cry, but I can’t. Not that I don’t want to….I just can’t. This morning I even tried watching sad YouTube videos. Nothing. Yet, on the other hand I can feel all the emotions. Sadness. Happiness. Anger. Joy. Fear. Calmness. Anxiety. Content.
This morning was spent on the phone. You know just a typical Monday morning….coffee and calling two different doctor’s offices and a therapist. Not at all how I planned my Monday. Making those phone calls is rather routine now. I am surprised they don’t know my number at the pediatricians and answer “Hey Beth! What’s wrong today?!” Don’t get me wrong I love our pediatrician and the clinic we go to, but I hate having to call so often.
Phoenix needs a stronger acid reflux medicine, but insurance won’t cover the compounding of the new medication. Lovely. Thankfully, there are other options out there. Ones that don’t involve insurance. Children with Aperts have acid reflux and if you have never had to care for a baby with acid reflux count yourself blessed. It makes you feel pitiful, helpless and angry that you can’t do anything about it. When Phoenix first came home (she was not diagnosed with Aperts yet….and we didn’t know she had acid reflux) she would scream and cry for hours. There was nothing we could do but hold her. I remember holding her and just weeping, while she screamed in pain, because there was nothing I could do to make that pain go away. We still have episodes of her reflux acting up. It starts with her not taking full meals. Then a day or two later you see her spit up some milk and swallowing it back down….repeatedly. Then one day she won’t take a bottle and then that moment comes. The screaming. The crying. The thrashing. Just praying that she tires her self out quickly so she can sleep.
Just hanging out in my new outfit!
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10