This blog post will be more or less whatever pops in by mind. You have been warned.
Wow, it has been a year. That is hard to believe. I survived a year without Phoenix; if that is what you want to call it. Surviving. Huh, honestly, I have days that I am what I call ‘okay.’ I get dressed, I get Little Brother dressed. We might even go somewhere. Then I have days where the only thing accomplished is Little Brother is fed.
A friend of mine, another bereaved mother whose year mark is coming up, asked me if the actual day was as hard as the days leading up. Honestly, no, and here is why. Wednesday ,the 20th, was harder for me. I found Phoenix on a Wednesday, I think that played a lot into it. Wednesdays are always a little hard; so is the 21st of every month. I have to remember I don’t own that day of the week or that day of the month. As much as I want to scream, ‘I lost my baby! Today is mine.” I can’t. It will be interesting to see how the following years will be. Ugh…what a horrible thought. Going on years without Phoenix. That sounds excruciating.
The 10 month anniversary was harder for me than the year mark. I am not 100% sure why that is. I did think, several times that day, that I could possibly only have 9 more months with Little Brother. (The math doesn’t actually work there, but that is what my brain latched on to) Since that day, my paranoia about him dying sky rocketed. I have problems going to sleep and staying asleep, because that is all I can think of. I started checking on him more. I had been able to get myself to a place where I only checked on right before I went to bed. Now, I find myself check the monitor several times a night to make sure he moved.
Mother’s Day was thrown into the mix as well. My first Mother’s Day without her. My first Mother’s Day with him. I really don’t have another works other than it was awful.
There are times that I will flash back back to finding her in her bed. Rolling her body over. It literally takes my breath away. My heart stops. My stomach sinks. (Just want to add, that there aren’t images or situations that ‘trigger’ this, it can happen anytime anywhere, sometimes for no reason at all.) It is nearly impossible for my brain to comprehend that she is dead.
Occasionally, I think I should share my really deep dark feelings with all of you, but I don’t. The only thing stopping me from doing that is those feelings even scare myself. And, most of you wouldn’t understand. Only those who have lost a child understand the darkness that overcomes you. Don’t you dare try comparing it to losing a parent. IT. IS. NOT. THE. SAME. Just don’t do it.
My house it too quiet. I hate it. I wonder, would Little Brother be different if Phoenix was still alive? I don’t think he would be as jumpy. Would she get ticked because he would try to stand up using her for support like he does Luke and myself? I think she would . . . she probably would of screamed in his face and pushed him down. My cat snores, it sounds like Little Brother whining at times. Which, leads me to checking the monitor. Which leads to me wondering if he is dead.
So, there you have it…some random thoughts going through my head. I realize I haven’t written in awhile. Probably, because all these random thought do not make the best of blog posts. However, I needed to get them out.
I want to end this very random post with a huge thank you to everybody who sent a cards, flowers, thoughts and prayers on the 21st and surrounding days. Thank you to all who participated in the random acts of kindness. I, truly, enjoyed reading all of them.