Time is a Weird Thing

It’s crazy how time works sometimes. Today is the 28th month anniversary of Phoenix’s passing. I can’t say whether or not it really feels like 28 months. Sometimes, it feels like yesterday and other days it feels like forever. What I am finding interesting about this particular anniversary is when Phoenix passed I was 32 weeks pregnant with Little Brother. This week I am 22 weeks pregnant with Baby Coleman #3. Just when I thought I had passed all the first big milestones this one reared it’s ugly head. I will have to pass the 32 week gestation mark. Yes, I know the chances of it happening the same way are slim to none, but that doesn’t stop me from fearing it.

I find it unbelievable that at this point in my last pregnancy I only had 10 weeks left with Phoenix. Of course, my mind goes to ‘ how many weeks do I left with Little Brother?’ I have found, talking with other bereaved parents, that they feel the same about their surviving children (if they have any). We are an interesting lot. We see the world through very different lenses then the rest of the population. We wish we could make people understand how we feel and the reasons behind our odd thoughts and actions. But, the only way that can be accomplished is if somebody else lost a child – and that would not be wished upon a worst enemy. I may have mentioned it before, but a parent is considered newly bereaved for 5 YEARS! FIVE!! I am just over 2. I can’t even begin to imagine 5.

Phoenix’s 4th birthday is coming up in October. October 6th to be exact. It just really sucks that we can’t be with her to celebrate it. This will be the 3rd birthday we won’t have with her. It’s also weird to think I should have an almost 4 year old. There are a lot of should of’s and what if’s in child loss.