As the hours of 2014 quickly fade away, I am left with this mix of feelings. In a way I want 2014 to be over. There have been so many deaths this year, not just Phoenix. So many final goodbyes and so many horrible firsts. Like my first Christmas without my precious Phoenix. It was a horrible day. I ruined a last minute Christmas gift, cookies burned, I had 3 melt downs and one time I was completely convinced that Little Brother was dead to the point that I made Luke pick him up. That was just Christmas day. In all reality I overcommitted myself this holiday season. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas I agreed to bring food, only to be frantically putting something together last minute or showing up empty handed.
Facebook was full of pictures and videos of children gathering by the tree and opening their gifts. Smiles and laughter was the theme of the day. But for me, it was a day of grief and joy. Mixed feelings. Deep loss for Phoenix, but excited for Little Brother who loved looking and playing with his new toys. I felt like the Grinch or Scrooge just wanting the day to end. The day did end, and soon this year will end too. Yet, I am wondering do I really want 2014 to end? Phoenix was alive in 2014. She ran and played. She laughed and cried. She lived and died. It really comes down to the ultimate question: how do I move on without my daughter? I do. It is moment by moment, but I do it. I really don’t have a choice.
So, goodbye 2014. Hello, 2015. May you be better. May you bring peace and joy.