Is “Grief stops you in your tracks” a phrase? If not, it should be. Grief literally can stop you in your tracks. It makes you roll into a little ball under the covers and never want come out. It makes stop walking and bend down and hug your knees. It makes you silently scream in your head several times a day. Six long months have passed since Phoenix passed. Six months without my daughter. Six months without her smile, her laugh her crazy hair.
Yesterday, Luke and I celebrated our five year anniversary. I never thought in a million years I would have a special needs daughter, then lose her 19 months later. When you say your wedding vows “For better or for worse” this is not one imagines when they say ‘for worse’. Job loss? Sure. Moving? Bring it on! Sickness? Why not!? Child loss? Hell NO. But, here we are. What should of been an extremely happy day for us, was marred by the fact that it was one day short of the 6 month anniversary of Phoenix’s death. Crazy horrible fact. The same church Luke and I met and got married was the same church we held Phoenix’s funeral. I tried to go one Sunday. It didn’t end well. All I could see was my little baby in a casket at the front of the sanctuary. Babies don’t belong in caskets.
Luke and I have been through a lot. But, this is by far the very worst. Unless you have lost a child, I cannot explain the pain that you feel on a daily basis. Grief sometimes physically hurts. But, I will save that for another post.
I went into her room this morning. I sometimes force myself to go in there, and face reality that she is really gone and not just taking a nap. However, there are times I let myself think she is just in her room – sleeping. Some days I think I somehow accidently left her in her room. But, reality kicks in and I know she isn’t with me anymore.
The next few weeks are looming. And, I am not looking forward to facing the holidays without her. I am not looking forward to facing my future without her.