As many of you know, Luke and I are expecting our second child this summer. I would be lying if I said this pregnancy is exactly the same as last time. Not only am I not as sick this go around I am not as naive. When I was pregnant with Phoenix I had all these expectations of what my daughter would look like and be like. It never even crossed my mind that she would be different. We told ourselves that there is nothing wrong with us or our immediate family, so why would anything be wrong with our baby. I remember Luke joking that the baby would put its hand against my womb whenever he tried to feel her move, and he would hold his hand up with all fingers spread out. I was naive. Naive to think it won’t happen to me. Naive to think that I would have a healthy child.
I am not naive anymore. Now I know. In fact, I can’t look at numbers the same anymore. Why? Because, I am the static. I had a child with syndrome that only occurs in 1 in 200,000 births. So, when the doctor tells me my chance of having a child with a disability is 1 in 10,000 that is not very reassuring to me. The level 2 ultra sound showed no abnormalities, but that means nothing to me. I will only have peace when they place that child in my arms. Even then, there are so many diseases and disorders that come later in life….. Please, don’t preach to me about ‘it is all in God’s plan’, because I know it is. I don’t want to hear that it will all work out, I know it will. Just let me be.