Recently, I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something bad to happen. Ever since Phoenix passed, I can’t help thinking ‘What is next? What horrible thing is going to happen? I haven’t been promised that I won’t lose any more children. I haven’t even been promised that nothing bad will ever happen to me again. There is this constant worry of getting the phone call that Luke died in some horrible car wreck. Or the house burned down with all the cats inside.
I just can’t shake the feeling that if something bad is going to happen, it is going to happen to me. I worry all the time about Little Brother. Luke always says that I am going to wake him up when I check on him multiple times a night. My response – “I would rather deal with an angry baby than a dead one.” At the hospital I sent Little Brother off to the nursery at night for the fear that while I was sleeping he would die, and at least in the nursery the nurses were awake. (That logic made a lot more sense to me in my post C-section haze) When Little Brother first came home, I tried to stay up all night just in case he stopped breathing. Exhaustion took over and I did sleep, just to awake to terror. Every time I go up our stairs, to get him up from a nap, I think, “This is it. This is the time he is dead.” When he wakes me up in the morning crying I am relieved he survived the night. When he wakes in the middle of the night to nurse there is this strange mixed feeling of frustration and relief. Frustrated that I have to get up and nurse him, but also relieved that he is not dead.
The more I read from parents who have lost a child the more I realize this is a common feeling. And, while I still worry about what might happen, I am relieved to know I am not alone. Every time, I find a new blog or someone suggests one to me (which I really do appreciate by the way) my heart breaks for the parents. I know what they are going through, or went through. I know the pain. The pain of never seeing your child again on this side of Heaven. The fear of the next horrible thing. Wishing – searching for your child, but never finding them.
Maybe the other shoe won’t drop. But, that doesn’t mean I am not fearful of it.