I was sitting in your room today, wishing you were with me. It reminded me of when I was pregnant with you; I would sit in your room wondering what life would be like with a child. I would dream of what you would look like and be like. Would you be tall like your dad or shorter like me? What color would your eyes and hair be? Would you be a quiet baby? Would you be happy? I was scared and excited at the same time. Scared, that I would somehow mess you up, and you would grow up to hate me. Scared, that you would make the same mistakes as I did. Excited, to have a little girl to dress up and play with. Excited, to have a child to share my life with.
When you were born I was scared. Scared for your future. What would it look like? A life of surgeries and bullies? But, as you grew I became more excited. Excited, that you were for the most part healthy. More importantly, excited that you were a very happy baby.
Now, I sit in your room wondering how my life will be without you. Will the pain ever go away, or at least dull? How will I share you with your brother? How do I keep your memory alive? When will I be with you again?
I don’t have to be in your room to ponder these questions. You see you are all over the house. There is not a single room that doesn’t have something of yours in it. You are everywhere yet, you are not here. I so wish you were here. Daddy wishes you were here. One day, Baby, we’ll all be together. I can’t wait for that day.