And that’s how you freak me out…

TRIGGER WARNING! CONTENT MIGHT NOT BE SUITABLE FOR SOME GRIEVING PARENTS CONTAINS POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

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Last night, as I was checking on Little Brother, I went into his room as usual, but he didn’t stir. Okay, not unusual, he can sleep soundly at times. I placed my hand on his tummy. Nothing and he was slightly cold. It’s winter and our house is old so cold is normal. But, I am freaking out. I felt again and still nothing. I poked him. Nothing. FREAKING OUT!!! At this point I felt like I had 2 choices. Scream or pick him up. I stood there debating what to do – willing him to wiggle. Finally, I lift one if his arms up. And he groans and rolls over. I about passed out my heart was beating so hard. I held onto the edge of his crib just staring and trying not to cry. I thought about picking him up anyway, just so I could hold him. I figured if I did that he wouldn’t be too pleased with me so I left him alone. I turned the heat up in his room and shut the door.

Sometimes, it is hard to believe that my life has come to this. This constant fear that I will find Little Brother just like I found Phoenix. It doesn’t help that he is getting braver. I thought I was ready for his separation anxiety phase to be done with. I’m not. Today at Chic Fil A we went into the play area and he just took off. I was putting his shoes away, turned around and he was off playing. WHAT!?! What happened to my little boy who wouldn’t leave my lap? He is running off like a clown baby that’s what.

So yeah, I had a freak out last night. Just all part of my new (horrible) normal.