And that’s how you freak me out…

Posted by on Feb 16, 2016 in Life After Phoenix, Update | 2 Comments





Last night, as I was checking on Little Brother, I went into his room as usual, but he didn’t stir. Okay, not unusual, he can sleep soundly at times. I placed my hand on his tummy. Nothing and he was slightly cold. It’s winter and our house is old so cold is normal. But, I am freaking out. I felt again and still nothing. I poked him. Nothing. FREAKING OUT!!! At this point I felt like I had 2 choices. Scream or pick him up. I stood there debating what to do – willing him to wiggle. Finally, I lift one if his arms up. And he groans and rolls over. I about passed out my heart was beating so hard. I held onto the edge of his crib just staring and trying not to cry. I thought about picking him up anyway, just so I could hold him. I figured if I did that he wouldn’t be too pleased with me so I left him alone. I turned the heat up in his room and shut the door.

Sometimes, it is hard to believe that my life has come to this. This constant fear that I will find Little Brother just like I found Phoenix. It doesn’t help that he is getting braver. I thought I was ready for his separation anxiety phase to be done with. I’m not. Today at Chic Fil A we went into the play area and he just took off. I was putting his shoes away, turned around and he was off playing. WHAT!?! What happened to my little boy who wouldn’t leave my lap? He is running off like a clown baby that’s what.

So yeah, I had a freak out last night. Just all part of my new (horrible) normal.


  1. Amy
    February 16, 2016

    I am so sorry. :'(
    I will deliver Thin Mints
    PS grief and post-traumatic stress is like this. I am sorry. I hate it.

  2. Ellen Bohac
    February 17, 2016

    I have experienced the same thing.I know exactly what your going through.It is not a good way to live, but you can’t help it.The constant (checking on your baby) making sure they are alive.It’s always when they are sleeping, The fear is great, the fear is so real to us, but one day, you will stop being in fear, you will stop thinking that God will take your child again, you will dare to be brave again and be happy and calm and trust that everything will be ok,only you will decide when this will happen.I read your story and a flood of memories came back to me, the exact thing that you wrote about, it will get better, it takes time, how much time? There is no time limit on grief and fear.God bless you and your family.


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