An overdue update

Hey all! I know it’s been awhile since I wrote. To be honest what happened last May zapped a lot of my writing will power. If you are curious about what happened here is the post about it and here. Not, to mention the 2 year mark of Phoenix’s passing. I know I didn’t write about it because I really didn’t know what to say.   Luke, Little Brother and I just  a quiet day together. We went to Chic Fil A and did a balloon release.The balloon release was over so quickly and we both felt like it sadly echoed her life.

If you are friends with me on Facebook then you probably know we are expecting baby number 3 in January. This pregnancy has been different on so many levels. The first trimester was the worst of my 3 pregnancies. Yes, I am still sick – but this is my 3rd pregnancy , so I do know how my body is when I am pregnant. Sick the whole time. I have come to accept this. But more on emotional level this pregnancy has been harder. I was still pregnant with Little Brother when Phoenix passed away, but he was born 7 weeks later so there wasn’t a lot of time to process what was going on. Actually, all that was going on was laying on the couch crying. And, then he was born and I was thrown into newborn mode. This time the grief cloud has dissipated and my shock has passed. I am left with the cold reality that Phoenix is gone. This leaves me in an interesting place. I have been finding it harder to bond with this baby, mainly out  of fear. I am terrified that I will loose them as well. Every time I have a doctor’s appointment I am worried that they won’t find the heartbeat. And, everytime I go they can’t hear it on the doppler and I have to get an ultrasound. Not fun times I tell you. The fear of loss has been keeping me up at night and haunting my dreams.  I am struggling to put exactly how I feel into words. So when I have it more figured out, I will let you know.

This is where I am on this journey of living without a piece of my heart.