How are you feeling?
Raw. Vulnerable. Scared. Angry. Unimaginably Sad. Lonely. Confused. Bored. Lost.
People mean well when they ask “how are you feeling/doing?” It’s drilled into to us to be polite and ask this simple question. It is also drilled into us to give a ‘polite’ answer like ‘good’ or ‘fine’. But, when you have lost somebody so close to you and you are asked ‘how are you feeling?’ all you want to do is scream “How in the world do you think I am doing!? Why would you ask such a stupid question!?” But, we don’t we say things like, ‘okay, holding up, I’m here.’ When as a society did we become such liars in our politeness. Is it because we really don’t want to have ‘that’ conversation with a relative stranger? Do we believe that they don’t really want to know. So in answer to the question “how are you feeling/doing?” I am not doing good. I am not fine. I don’t want to be here.
Phoenix and Daddy. June 2013
10 Comments
salems mommy
June 5, 2014Continued prayers for you, and hugs from our family.
Stacey gage
June 5, 2014Beth I cant even begin to imagine the pain you are in..to loose a child unimaginable..I will not ask you how you are holding up because I believe your blog is so honest and true..I will say though that i have cried for you..prayed and continue to pray for you..for your husband and for sweet baby phoenix thay she is at peace..I know if my madison could talk she would send you all her love and a million hugs..just know your Apert family grieves alongside you..All my best.. (((((()))))) hugs and prayers..
Kelly Askey
June 5, 2014I do get it, Beth. My husband, Michael, died from brain cancer in 2012. I am still not ok, but it feels like that is what people want to hear. When I was new to widowhood, I would reply with something like, “I’m hanging in there.” But, I hated the question because it felt like I had to give some kind of positive response. However, I learned to be honest and say whatever I’m feeling… “I’m missing him.” “It’s been a rough week.” “I think about him every day.”
However, in the end, I think I’d rather have people not ask how I’m doing, but to just acknowledge that they still think of me and my loss, and/or tell me that they, too, miss my late husband.
“I am thinking of you.”
“I am still praying for you”
“I miss Michael, too.”
Those are better for me, because they do not elicit a response that I may not want to give.
However, I also learned give people grace, because unless they have walked in these shoes, they have no way of knowing. And even if they have been in these shoes, they still might not know what is soothing to me, because everyone is different.
Rita Cox Schallert
June 5, 2014Beth God Bless you for your honesty. NOBODY can really understand or have the right words at this time. I’m praying so hard for you all and your little boy thats coming. There is no time table for grief, you have to make your own path, and walk it each day. Please just take care of yourself for your unborn little one. we love you and your family and asking in Prayer for God to help you all through this terrible time.
Love,
Rita
Freya Remmer
June 6, 2014Of course, you’re not fine… it’s so horrible… the reality is that in many ways we’ll never be totally fine again, not without our children. I understand not wanting to be here… I just try to take one moment at a time. That’s really become a mantra for me in those moments where I don’t think I’m going to make it through.
It’s so horrible to lose Phoenix, Beth. So wrong… an injustice. One day you will be reunited… what a glorious day!
Love to you,
Freya
Lauren
June 6, 2014I say it sometimes because I’m at a loss for words, feeling awkward myself, but still want to show that I care. I for one am totally willing to have that conversation, but would never want to force someone to have it. I’m just replying to let you know that even though we’ve never met, your story reaches me here in St. Peters MO from FB and my heartbreaks for you. You & your family are in my prayers and have my deepest sympathy.
Chenoa
June 6, 2014Beth,
You don’t know me (I’m friends with your mother in law through adoption), but I’ve been following Phoenix’s story since she was born. Your little girl inspired me so much. I was heartbroken to hear of her passing, but I can not imagine the constancy of your hurt. You are in my thoughts. I will never forget Phoenix. Thank you for sharing her too-short life with the rest of us.
Margaret Meder
June 7, 2014I am thinking about you & sending hugs
Julie Foley
June 7, 2014We will continue to pray for you. God bless you and heal your broken heart.
Debbie Kubiak
June 11, 2014Beth, just know I’m praying for you and Luke daily. Your feelings are very normal. I followed the stories and pictures of Phoenix and she is a beautiful angel.