Mother’s Day 2017

Dear Phoenix,

This will be the third Mother’s Day without you. I am sorry that we don’t get to spend it together. I am sorry that you don’t get to make cheesy little cards and necklaces.  I would have cherished them. I would have worn your necklaces made of noodles with pride. I am sorry that you don’t get to join your siblings (and father) in planning fun things for us to do. I am sorry that we are separated on a day that celebrates mothers and her children. I am sorry that you will never get to celebrate Mother’s day with your children. I am sorry that you will never experience the joy of looking into your baby’s eyes and falling completely in love. I am sorry that you will never get to rock your babies to sleep and sneak out of their rooms. I am sorry.

There are times I am angry that you left me. But that is not your fault I have nothing to forgive you for. You were perfect and beautiful and the sweetest baby a mother could ask for.  The anger I feel is never directed at you my darling. I am irate at the fact that I have to spend my life without you. I am furious that you left too soon. There are times my breath is taken away because I miss you so.  Nevertheless, my sweet daughter, I am not angry at you — I love you so much.

Thank you for letting me be your mommy for 19 wonderful months. Your birth made me a mom and I will never forget that fact. You made me so incredibly happy. I still smile at the thought of you. I only wish that we could have had more time together. Thank you for sending me signs that you are near. I cherish each and every one.

I love you. I will never stop loving you. Forever and ever I will love you. I honestly, cannot say it enough. I miss you. I love you.

I hope you are having fun with your great grandparents. I hope you are finding beautiful things to do and see. I hope that you have lots of friends that you can run around with and play games. I hope you are happy. But mostly, I hope to see you again one day.