Week 13

Dear Phoenix,

It has been 13 weeks since you have gone to Heaven. I miss you so much. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t cry.

Little Brother, Daddy and I traveled to see family last week. It was the first time I had been back to St. Louis since your funeral. It didn’t feel right to travel and see everybody without you. You were missed. I wasn’t sure how I would feel not being in our house, the home you lived in for most of your life, the place you died. In a way it was easier, not seeing everything that reminded me of you. But, the problem is I don’t have to see anything to be reminded of you. I think of you all the time. In other ways it was harder. I couldn’t go in your room. I couldn’t see the spots you took your first steps or look out the same windows you did.

My tears are always below the surface. Waiting to make their appearance. I was out to eat with, your Grandma De and Papa, and saw a little girl who was about the age you would be now – I just lost it. Crying in public is starting to become a new thing for me. You would of learned this, but as a rule I generally don’t like showing my emotions. However, that is changing.

Daddy and I are starting to move some of the baby furniture from your room to Little Brother’s. It was going to happen anyway, but now it seems wrong in some way. I feel like I am leaving you behind. But, it really was you who left me behind isn’t? You left me to face this world without you. I know you are happier. This world was too cruel for someone like you. It would of stolen your happiness. But, in my selfishness I want you back.

I love you Baby Girl.