If somebody asked how am I doing since Phoenix died, I would probably say doing okay or fine or some other dribble. In reality, it depends. It depends on the day, the hour or the minute. Sometimes it is 2 very different feelings at the same time. Take 2 nights ago, for example, Little Brother was wiggling his toes in our faces so that we would blow on them. He thought it was hilarious. Which it was and everybody was having a great time. But, at the same time, I was sad because I kept thinking that Phoenix never got to wiggle her toes (because of the fusion in her toes). Yes, I have moments where I can feel joy and happiness again. But, I am still hurting. Still healing. Always healing, because this is a wound that won’t heal all the way on this side of Heaven.
Time is always moving forward, even if I don’t like it. Part of this forward motion is new life into the world. The feelings I have about friends and family having babies isn’t something they warn you about after you lost your child. Yes, I am extremely happy for my friends. And, I love the new babies (because who doesn’t love that newborn smell, I mean come on it’s amazing). Yet, it is a constant reminder of what I don’t have. My baby. It doesn’t help that people start throwing around the ‘blessed’ word whenever there is new life. I want to scream, “If you are blessed than what am I? Cursed?” or “You keep using that word, I do think it means what you think it means.” (joking…sort of). The reality is, I still want to be a part of people’s lives and that means being there for them when they have babies and parties for their children or anything else that happens in life. I show up, but I do have an exit strategy in mind.
It is nearly a month away from the 2 year anniversary of Phoenix’s death. I have been sad (more than usual) about it for the past few weeks. There always seems to be some holiday, event or anniversary that makes my keenly aware of my loss. I believe one problem with this blog and form of communication is it makes it seem that I am always in a sad mood. I am not. Most days I am content – as a much as a bereaved mother can be. I just write more when I am sad. Like now, for example. Please, don’t think I am constantly sad, because I am not.
So yeah, this is a portion of my emotions in a nutshell. All one giant ball of sadness and joy. Confused? Yeah, me too.
P.s. I have been asked several times lately the date of Phoenix’s passing. It is May 21st, 2014.