Your Room
Dear Phoenix,
I was sitting in your room today, wishing you were with me. It reminded me of when I was pregnant with you; I would sit in your room wondering what life would be like with a child. I would dream of what you would look like and be like. Would you be tall like your dad or shorter like me? What color would your eyes and hair be? Would you be a quiet baby? Would you be happy? I was scared and excited at the same time. Scared, that I would somehow mess you up, and you would grow up to hate me. Scared, that you would make the same mistakes as I did. Excited, to have a little girl to dress up and play with. Excited, to have a child to share my life with.
When you were born I was scared. Scared for your future. What would it look like? A life of surgeries and bullies? But, as you grew I became more excited. Excited, that you were for the most part healthy. More importantly, excited that you were a very happy baby.
Now, I sit in your room wondering how my life will be without you. Will the pain ever go away, or at least dull? How will I share you with your brother? How do I keep your memory alive? When will I be with you again?
I don’t have to be in your room to ponder these questions. You see you are all over the house. There is not a single room that doesn’t have something of yours in it. You are everywhere yet, you are not here. I so wish you were here. Daddy wishes you were here. One day, Baby, we’ll all be together. I can’t wait for that day.
Mommy and Phoenix
4 Comments
Linda Kreitner
June 16, 2014I read your stories about Phoenix, and I say little prayers for you often. Phoenix touched my heart, from the moment, Gail told me she was born! Being a “Mom” who prayed years for a baby, and was never blessed with a biological child, but adopted two, I feel every child is put in our lives because God, felt we were “Special” and knew how to Love them with our whole heart. You see, my husband Dennis and I adopted a baby in California, had her for a short week and a half, and her mother changed her min, because she thought she could sell her for more money. We loved that little girl, went to the hospital when she was born, and took her back to my husbands Uncle’s house ready to fly home, and start our life together. But we got a phone call and we had to hand her back, the hardest thing, I’ve ever had to do! Our Pastor told us God was in control, and we should come home and drop trying to beg the Mom, to change her mind. My husband and I couldn’t even get off the plane in St.Louis we were so broken. I don’t know exactly why, I’m sharing my story with you, now, but when I read your stories to Phoenix, I feel that same pain, I felt, for you…At the wake, I wanted to hug you and tell you everything will be better, eventually, but to this day, two children later, I miss that little girl, who was my daughter for a short time, and that was 32 years ago. I gave her my blessing, when I handed her back, and told her I will see her in Heaven, someday! Phoenix was a beautiful, Blessing, and I know this new little baby will know he had an amazing “Big Sister”, God Bless and I will continue to Pray for you and your Husband, I know how hard this must be! God Bless, Gail’s Sister-in-Law, Linda and my husband, Denny
Margaret Meder
June 17, 2014Your words describe what I have felt, beautifully written. Thank you.
Stacey gage
June 20, 2014Your words are so beautifully written from the heart..one day you shall be with your beaitiful phoenix and im sure until then you will keep her memory alive always..all my best to you..prayers and hugs.
Misty Hammons
June 29, 2014Beth, I think of you so often. Reading your blog, I hurt with you, and I look forward with you to the day we’ll be with our babies.
You mentioned sharing Phoenix with her brother. We told Katie about Faith a few years ago. She’s fascinated and sad and happy and amazing about her sister. She’s had dreams about her. She’s drawn pictures of them together. There are some uncomfortable moments, as she has no hesitation in telling strangers she just met that, “I had a sister, but she died when she was just a few minutes old.” It’s uncomfortable because I’m always thinking it makes OTHERS uncomfortable. But then I realize, this is her way of honoring Faith. She talks to me about her often, and she frequently says how she wishes Faith was here with her or that she wishes she could go to Heaven and see her. My selfish mama heart cringes each time she says something like that and prays God will let me keep her with me, because I know how it feels to be a mama without a child.
Sweet girl, the hurt will become duller – Faith would be 13 now, and it has been a long time since I’ve felt that panicky, breathtaking grief from the first while after she was taken from us. It doesn’t go away, and in a way, I treasure it, because it keeps her so real to me. And now, it took a very long time, but now, I feel honored that God chose me to be her mama.
I probably never told you this, I’m sure I didn’t, but you, and all “my” kids were such a comfort to me when we lost Faith.
I’m praying for you. And I love you.